Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Aging Parents, Claire Berman

 

Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Aging Parents, Claire Berman, Owl Books

For the past few years, I have seen a change in my elderly parents. My father went through a lot, about 18 years ago he had prostate cancer, and his health and mental clarity started slipping around that time. About 10 years ago, he had a hemorrhagic stroke that resulted in brain surgery, as well as physical disability and dementia. My mother has taken care of him all along, doing the brunt of the work herself, as that's how she always wanted it. 

However, in the past three or so years, I noticed small changes in my mother. Inability to make decisions. Refusal to make phone calls. Asking me to write checks for her. Then she would show up to appointments 3 hours early and just sit there and wait, because she didn't know how to tell time. Couldn't tell the difference between 6am and 6pm. Numbers, mostly.

I took her to a doctor as this worried me, and she took a MOCA test...and failed. The doctor suggested a brain scan. There were family members who denied this, didn't want to face it. I get it. I didn't want to face it either, but I couldn't deny it.

She kept telling me that she couldn't remember how to turn off the car, how to put a seat belt on, and she almost hit cars multiple times on my last drive with her in the driver's seat. Family members didn't want to see this, after all, who wants to give up their right to drive? But in order to protect her, I talked to her doctor, who agreed, and had her license revoked. I hated having to make that decision but it was for her own good, as well as for others. I was terrified at the thought of her killing or injuring someone or herself. It would have happened.

She was on dementia medication for a while and it helped slow the progression, but it was giving her massive headaches. So she was taken off, and her dementia has progressed rapidly. She forgets to bathe. Forgets my dad needs food, and care. Forgets names, what day it is. 

It breaks my heart, seeing my parents become this. My Dad was a senior sonar chief in the US Navy, then a postal carrier, retired from both. Highly intelligent, great sense of humor, would give anyone the shirt off his back. Loving, kind, goofy, and had a strong faith in God. My mother was very creative, devoted her life to children--raising us kids, then teaching in a school and as children's church pastor for years. 

It's like a long term grieving for the children. You love your parents, they are still in there, but it's like watching them slowly disappear. I feel helpless, wishing I could do more. Since he broke his hip, I can't lift my dad, so I can't really stay there when the caregiver is gone because I can't clean or move him.

 I have a lot to mourn over. My parents. Loss of relationship with some of my family. Family dynamic makes things difficult.

But my parents are still alive and still need constant care. 

This book goes over many topics including what options may be available, support groups, how to manage sibling conflict, financial challenges, and end of life decision making. Reading this book let me know that I am not alone in the things I feel, in the grieving at their decline. 

Although most of the care is out of my hands and up to someone else, I still care. I still want them to be okay. I still want to be in their lives, after all, I love them, and always will. 

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